The words we never sent
still deserve to be heard.

i fucking loved you so much and now i don't hate you either yk. Anyways I'm healed

You’re 14, there’s a whole full-filling life ahead of you. You’ll meet someone special. Fall in love, experience heartbreak, and happiness. You’ll get your license, and your first job. You’ll travel and meet tons of different people. You’ll fix broken connections, and cut off toxic ones. You’ll realize that you were just a confused kid, and that you just needed to be honest with yourself. And that me, Brooke, will forever love you, even if you can’t see it.

As a teenager, I’m still developing and discovering myself, but I’m scared. Scared of how people truly perceive me. And I weird? Emotionless? Too loud? Too quiet? A pick-me? Even though I don’t like to admit it, Im so extremely self conscious. I want to be there for people, but I let my emotions get the best of me. I hate myself sometimes for things I can’t control. I feel so childish, even though I am a kid. Will this ever go away? Am I okay? Am I normal?

I’ve known you since we were born. And I wish I could’ve been nicer. We were both kids, I mean we still are. I miss you some nights when I look over my life-choices. We drifted away subconsciously, and only now am truly recognizing it. I love you. I love you so fucking much. You’re one of the only people in the world that has been there for thick and thin, and you are truly family even without blood.

I don’t really understand what happened in our friendship. After all it was quite the roller coaster. But even then, there will always be a special part in my heart for you. You helped me discover parts of myself that I didn’t even realize were there. And for that, I’m forever grateful. Because you were the first girl I ever truly liked.

I wish I could be accepted. Loved. I don’t want to feel this way. I was clean for so long, I thought the hardest part was over. But each time I look in the mirror, I see only the flaws. Not physically, but emotionally. Why do I have to find girls attractive? Why can’t girls like girls? If you found out would you hate me forever? I know how you feel about homosexuality, and pansexual individuals. And it hurts. It hurts so fucking much.

you know how much I hate cowardice. So why didn’t you ever talk to me again, just when things were going well? I thought that maybe our friendship was healing, that maybe one day I could tell my best friend about what’s been bottled inside. That I could tell him why I took offence to immaturity. His immaturity. But no, I never did. We never got to talk normally again. So no, I guess I’ll never tell him that I was closeted, and also liked girls. Stupid Ronan Bleachers, what a coward you were.

i kept your worn jeans from that one night we almost danced under the stars together... it's been bugging me ever since thinking about how much i wanted to hold you close then.

i still have your necklace from that night we were lost in the woods...

i wore that old shirt with the broken buttons on sunday night when we watched the stars together

i wore my mom's old scarf the night we almost said i loved her

i'm so tired of being the one who waits

I named him after you. He asked last week why he has a grandpa name. I didnt know what to say.

you told me that healing isnt linear and i wanted to throw something at you. i thought it was a cliche. it was a cliche. but i think i finally get what you meant. today was bad. yesterday was fine. tomorrow might be amazing or i might not get out of bed. i stopped measuring. just getting through. i think thats what you were trying to say. i hope so. see you thursday.

You remembered my coffee order after one time. One time. Ive been loved less carefully by people who knew me for years.

i miss u everyday.

You asked if I was okay and I said yes and you knew. And you didnt push. I love you for that.

You asked me to stay and I said I couldnt. The truth is I could have. I was just scared of what staying meant. I picked easy over right and I have to live with that now.

i still make the tea wrong. you showed me a hundred times. water just under boiling, leaves on the stove, wait three minutes. i always wait too long. you used to smack my hand with a wooden spoon like it was the end of the world. it was never the end of the world. you were just pretending because it made me laugh. i put too much sugar in it yesterday and cried at my kitchen table for an hour. i miss you so much grandma

i dont know if you remember me but you watched me and my little brother for like three summers when we were in elementary school. you let us stay up way past bedtime and watch movies we were not supposed to watch and you never told our mom. i am getting married in the fall. i wish i knew how to find you. you were the first grown-up who made me feel like being a grown-up might actually be fun.